Chronicle

Inside the package we found the Chronicle of Wrocław Dwarfs. It turned out to be devastated and burned at the edges though. This recently discovered chronicle provides us with the vital proof for their origin and existence! Although it contains just single fragments that have survived, we have been able to partly decipher it (we couldn’t read it all because dwarfs use a very specific language which includes French, German, Czech and Latin vocabulary). However, even such small piece of dwarfs chronicle provides us with very precious information about their customs and lifestyle. We are very happy to share this knowledge with you and the whole world. We proudly announce: Dwarfs are ours! 18th Novembr, 730    The first dwarf appeared in the city. He took a look around and shouted with a nasal voice: ‘Hehrapta!’*.

Suddenly, an army of similar creatures with backpacks surrounded him and just a moment later they started to explore the neighbourhood. *Hehrapta – in the old dwarf dialect it means: Home at last! However, there are some people who do not agree with this translation. They believe that this initial shout didn’t sound nasal but hoarse and it meant more or less: Come on, they are gone!

(…) 1st Fevrier, 1200Large FamineSevere winter and poor crop made the dwarfs massively emigrate to Muchobór quarter. Those who decided to stay in the city were forced to collect animal solid waste in order to extract precious vitamins from it. You could see loads of clothes left on the streets which were no longer useful, because it turned out they were too baggy. (…) Seabirds and storks also showed some empathy and helped dwarfs by bringing them a famous spice on their backs – betlejka. If you chew this herb, your stomach will immediately shrink to the size of a poppy seed. The distribution point of the herb was at dwarf Sępik’s [Stingy] place. (…) 17th Septembr, 1321The Board of Dwarfs published the law concerning the colour of dwarf hats. Since that day the only legal and accepted hats could be red and pointed. The former caps had to be burned in the public on the bonfire set up in the middle of the Big Market Square. Those who didn’t obey the new rule, risked being pulled against gravel in terms of punishment. * Big Market Square – the square opposite present-day Garrison Church. It is the official meeting place for dwarfs in Wrocław since 966.

(…) 2nd Janvier, 1459 Blind Swallow’s DayGenerous celebration of this very popular feast ended as usual at the dawn on the middle of Szczepiński Square. Losses: 15 broken pots, (…) 9 broken tables, 230 stolen celebratory jaskuks*, (…) 18 drunken participants in the drunk tank, 1 lost male child.*Jaskuk – special sort of curved wire which is used to pick unwanted swallows’ eyes by dwarfs. Dwarfs decorate their sleeping rooms. It is also believed that swalllows’ eyes are used in the form of peephole in the door and that they last forever. 26th Decembr, 1487Cutting Beards of Insubordinate WivesAll married female dwarfs aged from 140 to 210 years old lost their beautiful, long grown beards. It is said that at first the beards were meant to be hit by hammer, but the Dwarfs Board rejected this idea as too human. The wives gained more charm instead. The beards weren’t of any use to them any more. (…)7th Ut, 1526The Great EpidemicThe Great Hiccup brought the dwarf population to a minimum. Nothing could help, even such human tricks as holding up your breath (26 dwarfs died from lack of oxygen) and unexpected frightening (47 victims). The medicine that finally helped was the extract from herb named ‘kostomłot’. Sick dwarfs were gathered in the hut somewhere in the Krzyki quarter where the medicine was poured into their ears.

(…) 21st Mars, 1643 14th Great Dwarfs BattleTwo armies commanded by Przykry Dwarf and Biskupik Dwarf took part in a battle on the fields of Biskupin quarter. For the first time soldiers used grasshoppers and cannon rats as well as swarms of trained wasps which attacked the Przykry’s army from the air. The dwarfs were fighting since morning until evening with a lunchtime break. The final result hasn’t been judged yet. (…) 4th Ijun, 1719 Dwarfs discovered the first alarm system to avoid dangers in advance. Trained cockroaches placed in cages were supposed to start hitting the specially adjusted and designed copper frying pan. The great discoverer, the dwarf called Szczepik, was awarded 100 krupniks prize and his portrait was hanged on Jatki.(…)29th Avril, 1800The famous doctor Konował Klon came into town. He was busy serving his patients all month long – cutting, fixing and beautifying. It is said that that is how the average length of life rises. Dwarf homeopaths from Leśnicki Forest don’t believe in such modern method of treating and still advise to use herbs.(…)13 Octobr, 1894 Nose Whistling TournamentFifteen groups from different places (Szczepin, Biskupin, Sępolno, Krzyki, Stare Miasto and more) were competing to win the tournament. Stare Miasto team eventually won, because its members used the innovative technique of steam whistling (tniutnia parowa). Their winning whistle was so penetrating that it even made the flock of carnivore pismaks fly away from Odra banks where they were actually feasting. (…)31st Juliet, 1920 The first public toilet appeared on the Small Market Square*. Unfortunately, this fact didn’t raise sympathy and understanding among dwarfs community. They gathered all together to protest against their intimate freedom. The toilet got knocked down in the common act of protest, secondly pelted with rotten fifluts** and finally thrown into Odra. The idea of protest action was raised up by dwarf Opornik. *Small Market Square – there used to be a Small Market Square apart from Big Market Square. It was located on Jatki Street, on the right side (if you’re entering Jatki from Odrzańska Street)**Fiflut – dwarf plant with origin long as a beard itself. It is used to manufacture aromatic pipe spice (more or less 6 shots of spice from 12 portions of fifluts).

(…)29th Mars, 1956National Dwarf Comittee published special act to remind dwarfs of actual law. The only legal colour of outfits is purple and the houses should be decorated with bunch of violets. Ignoring this rule will be punished with one way flight on a military swallow. The witnesses conform that they have already saw a lot of such flights. Some dwarfs want to show their disagreement – they wear green socks and greet each others with a special hoarse message as a sign of protest.

(…)18th Mars, 1968The moral thaw coincided with the spring thaw in Wrocław. In the Krzyki quarter all male adult dwarfs shaved their right groin while their female partners were burning cookery books on the bonfires. It was also observed that the 100 years old adolescents exploited field mice for some artistic purposes. You could hear the overwhelming music everywhere. That was the reason why dwarf Krzyk [Scream] lost his voice.

(…)7th Janvier, 1975 Great Demonstration of PaksistsNever mind the snow, the Great Demonstration of Paksists took place on the Big Market Square. The dwarfs under spiritual influence of dwarf called Pracz Odrzański were running to keep their stamina with transparents such as: ‘No more beards comparison!’, ‘Free house rats!’, ‘Boots away from our land!’. Most of demonstrators got their ears and noses frostbitten so that they had to be eventually hospitalized at the cost of city authorities. All texts and pictures included in this article have been taken from the former version of hereby website and  belong to the Wanilia Advertising Agency.